By Jonathan Alexandratos
I recently got my Dragon Dagger presumably the same way the Green Ranger did– through the mail. After reading Loryn’s absolutely apt review, I faced my new toy with all the excitement one usually brings to an item they’ve already bought three times before. However, after a few minutes of play, I stumbled upon a feature, the feature, I didn’t know I was waiting my entire life for: wacky Power Rangers theme song remixes! In hindsight, I should have known. I love the one on the bagpipes, this ecstasy-fueled house version, and even the savage death metal edition. I am Hasbro’s mark for this unique, hidden feature.
Okay, it’s not exactly hidden. Anyone exploring the Dragon Dagger will discover that holding down the handle’s bottom button while pushing a flute note in “song” mode will cause the deadly weapon to burst out in instrumental remix joy. Much to my disappointment, though, my five-second Google search revealed that no one had yet to do an in-depth analysis of each of the three possible alternate songs. Like the Dragonzord emerging from the water, I roared to life, clacking away at a document that would finally give a brief series synopsis to each new theme song.
This – is that clacking.
Here, I’ll give you an audio clip of each of the three remixes as well as a rundown of the alternate Power Rangers universe they’re surely built for. After all, theme songs are meant to introduce a show. Without an attached series, a theme song is no more than a Bulk without a Skull, a Goo Fish who’s run out of Goo, a Billy-Switched-With-Kimberly’s-Brain without a Kimberly-Switched-With-Billy’s-Brain. You get the idea. Here we go:
1. SECRET AGENT RANGERS
If you hold down that bottom button in “song” mode on your Dragon Dagger, and then press the note button closest to the blade, you’ll hear this:
This tune undoubtedly introduces Patrick McGoohan as the Red Ranger, Diana Rigg as the Pink Ranger, and a revolving cast of B-list 1960s celebrities as the other Secret Agent Rangers. They’re cool, smoke many cigarettes, and deploy puns with their murders, murders they’re totally licensed to carry out, so long as they do them stealthily. There’s no Command Center here, just a nightclub run by a tinny voice on an intercom. The best episodes show that the real struggle comes from within. Can the new guy ever really be trusted? How do you quit a job that, as far as anyone is concerned, never existed? And why are the martinis so damn good? Tune in to Secret Agent Rangers and find out!
2. NICKELBACK RANGERS
The middle flute button combined with the bottom Dragon Dagger button gives you this:
In this series, the Power Rangers are just Canadian rock band Nickelback. There’s only four band members, but they bring back Ryan just to even things out. Rita exists, but she’s mostly just baffled by whether they’re supposed to be alternative or country or what. It’s an all-male team, but that doesn’t stop them from ruminating musically on literally every woman in ways that are just…uncomfortable. It’s the hit show that absolutely no one wants to confess to watching: Nickelback Rangers!
3. LAW & ORDER: ANGEL GROVE
The final note using this remix combo gives you this:
In the City of Angel Grove, residents are terrorized by two separate yet equally destructive groups: the aliens, who won’t stop until the entire world submits to their evil ways, and teenagers, who transform into superheroes inside large robots that are the reason your office has been rebuilt six times. These are their stories. DUN-DUN. It’s late. It’s always late. Jason and Billy compare five o’clock shadows. Trini, tough as nails, pushes too far on a suspect who reminds her of an old nemesis. Zack and Kimberly find a Putty in a trashbag and wonder what the world is coming to. With David J. Fielding as District Attorney Zordon. Law & Order: Angel Grove!
And those are all the remixes we get! For the record: I would watch all of these shows. And buy the toys. Even if that means more Dragon Daggers. May I someday fill a kiddie pool with Dragon Daggers that play sick, new theme song remixes. Hasbro, I will make this worth your while.