**Caution! Potential Puke Pile ahead! Those with a sensitivity to ugly toys need not proceed!**
Just kidding, that’s not nice. They have all of the sour candies and vomit toys at Five Below that floated up from the depths of the 90s and that’s awesome. In all truthfulness, Five Below has quickly become one of my favorite stores. With the tagline of ‘Let Go and Have Fun’, Five Below embraces their discount treasure trove storefront and encourages you to poke around and discover fun and exciting oddities. And while there truly are some unique items in there, like these WWF Muscle Men from Super 7:
There are also a mad plethora of items that are just so close to almost being cool that many of us toy collectors…well…just don’t want! Included in this article are my favorite items from Five Below that were almost great, but just missed the mark.
10) Power Rangers Movie Toys
Iffin’ I told you once, I told you a million times, oh ye corpses from the depths of Toys R Us. Nobody wants these Power Rangers movie toys. They were literally the last thing remaining at my local Toys R Us the day the store shut down, and they will be the last man standing here at Five Below.
9) Masters of the Universe Mega Construx Beast Man and Teela
I want the He-Man and Skeletor figures and those just don’t exist. If I can have those two, then these Beastman and Teela blocks will find a home with me. And bearing that in mind…does anyone else feel like this Teela figure lost the role of Princess Leia to Carrie Fisher?
8) Not Funko But Totally Funko Optimus Prime
Officially licensed by Hasbro, I stared at this Optimus Prime for a really long time before I decided to leave him in the Titanic ocean of floating dead people. ‘Could this Optimus find purchase among my miniature collection of desk robots? Is there a charm in him that makes me need to buy him?’ I pondered this for quite a while, the whole time ignoring my children who had the overwhelming desire to leave the store and run free into the parking lot.
And while normally, that is the number one concern for parents…you know…keeping your children alive…the decision on whether or not to procure this robot took hold on me to the point of obsession. But by the time the lights went out and the Five Below crew told me I needed to leave before they called the police to escort me out, I decided this Optimus Prime didn’t quite have the look I needed for him to make it into my collection.
7) Dead-Eyed Flash
My sentiments for this Flash toy can be summed up in a Gif from Aladdin:
“You got a problem, PINKY?!”
6) Miniature Rock Em Sock Em Robots
Okay, I’m lying. This one is pretty cool. I’m going to go back and buy it when I finally decide $5 isn’t too expensive for it.
5) Smug Kirk and Spock
Spock looks unsure if he wants to share camera time with Drunken Zap Brannigan Kirk.
4) Limb-Free Warrior
While it looks like this Star Wars toy has interchangeable limbs, it comes across looking broken. There definitely could have been a different way to package this where consumers understood that the arms and legs switched out for new accessories. The way it is, not only does it look busted in its package, but the character looks like he went to the How to Train Your Dragon’s Hiccup School of Replaceable Legs.
3) Seeing Red Again
Look– I get it. I saw the Star Wars Episode VIII with all of Snoke’s red samurai dudes hanging out in the coolest office ever. But really…this toy couldn’t come with just a little extra shading or color details?
It looks like someone over at Hasbro spilled some red plastic in a mold, gave the machine the middle finger, and went to have a beer. There is zero love or pride happening here, and the fact that it ended up on the discount racks may be a testament to fans realizing that. This toy is as bad as Goldar from the Power Rangers movie where they took that gold thing just a little too literally.
2) Black Box Trash Figures
All right, be prepared for a little bit of Nerd Rage here. These new Star Wars black box figures kill me. I have never seen a line of figures (which I honestly think are packaged really nicely and are perfectly regular looking toys) be so rejected by a fandom. There’s two things happening here– one, we have the every day consumer wanting to buy toys for children. And second, we have toy collectors looking to add rare or interesting items to their shelves with the inkling of hope that perhaps these might either be rare or worth something some day.
These black box Star Wars toys accomplish neither of these things.
These toys were first brought to my attention when my husband’s co-worker left a huge stack of them in the office when he quit, telling his office mates to have at it. Free Star Wars actions figures, you say? Don’t mind if I do! It’s the unbridled path to the heavens of Valhalla!
Oh…they’re worth $3.
I’m not even kidding– this poster of awesome Star Wars action figures is worth more than these black box action figures.
And yes– you bet your sweet tush this poster was purchased. Coming soon to my wall near you.
1) Yonic-Rose-Math-Card Belle
Belle’s cards may say add and subtract…but her yonic rose and sultry eyes say ‘Divide and Multiply….’ Yeahhhh.
I’ll crack open one of these.