Picture this– it’s New Year’s Day and you’re treasure hunting at your local bargain stores. And by ‘treasure hunting’, I mean you’re looking for weird, rare, obscure, or bootleg toys.
The entire holiday season has been especially interesting this year. Not only is Toys R Us gone for the first time, but the scraps of its inventory are lurking around discount stores like Ross, TJ Maxx, Marshall’s, and so on.
But not every outing into the vast treasure sea yields gold and pearls. Sometimes, all you pull up in your net is flotsam, jetsam, and the corpse of a bloated whale. Which is why today, I’m counting down the Top 11 Bummer Toys I saw rotting on the shelves at Marshall’s.
Because hey– if you can’t get a toy, at least you can have a laugh, right?
11) Wish it was a Bootleg Princess Collection
Hey Belle! Sorry about the face!
10) Girl With Big Open Mouth Slime Book
It’s like, I don’t even have to make a slime or frosting joke here. The cover does the work for me.
9) Fairy Toots Putty
That fairy is going to have a lot of wiping to do, and I don’t even want to know what that ‘Toot Tube’ is used for.
8) Unicorn Head Band
7) Seinfeld Festivus Card Game
Not only is this a deep dive into one specific Seinfeld episode, but the image of George’s dad looks as pixelated and blown out as when game developers tried to shove a real photograph into a Super Nintendo game.
And yes, I bought these and they cost me $2.00. Live without regrets.
6) Bootleg Chutes and Ladders
Not only is this bootleg Chutes and Ladders, but it’s bootleg Chutes and Ladders by Parker Brothers! Guys, I know Hasbro owns the OG, but you’re Parker Bros! You don’t have to bootleg anything from anyone! Come on! And that artwork, man. It’s hideous!
5) Wonky Doll
4) Hoooooo-Pose ‘Tink’
This sucker might be officially licensed and made by Jakks Pacific, but that doesn’t explain the upsettingly seductive leg pose the doll is striking and the hoooo face the Tink on the package is giving me. And why does it say ‘Tink’? Did they not have the rights to the name Tinkerbell? Peter Pan is public domain, so doesn’t that make the name a free-for-all? What is happening here?
3) iDon’t Think It Will Fly
Probably more like 8-10 minutes to get off the ground, am I right?!?!
::jumps out window::
2) Robo Cannon
Dress your lawn mower’s engine up in a plastic armor suit and get ready for BATTLE! Be as EXTREME as these Atlantic Rim rejects in their Kylo-Ren masks and GET THE ROBOT REVOLUTION GOING!
1) Vapid Glazed Eyed Euro Doll
Just like me is a bold statement coming from a doll who looks like she can’t be bothered to listen to anyone. The only thing she and I have in common is that neither of us is wearing pants. Although if it will get me further in life, I will totally change my title from Editor in Chief to Puppenmanufaktur.
Translation in joke form at be Tweeted to @LorynStone.